This letter is not intended to hurt or embarrass you; This letter is intended to heal and help me. Quite frankly, if you are not hurt or embarrassed by your own disregard and disrespect towards me by now, then this letter will only be regurgitated rhetoric to you. When I looked up the definition of the word "father" earlier today, I read that it means "a man in relation to his natural child or children" and "a man who has begotten a child." My definition of "father" is a man who loves his child or children unconditionally, a man who takes full responsibility for the well being of any and every child that he helps to create, and a man who will continue to be a guiding light for his offspring, even once they reach adulthood. Maybe my expectations of what a father should be were (and still are) too gargantuan for you to live up to. As a little boy, I looked up to you and my mother as my superheroes, the ones who would never abandon me. Call it childhood naivete' or a far-fetched thought, but I truly believed in you. For a brief time in my life, although I saw you and talked with you on a few occasions due to your tenure in the United States Navy, you were my real life Superman. When you told me that once you retired from the Navy after 20 years of service when I turned 11, that you would be more active in my life, I was ecstatic. I just knew that our bond would strengthen and that you would always be there for me. Well, we both know how things turned out. After your retirement in 2003, I slowly but surely became an irrelevant part of your life. By the end of 2004, your phone calls and visits decreased drastically, and you discontinued paying my mother child support. Thanks to the government garnishing your pension checks, she ended up getting back all of the money you owed her. By the end of 2005, I was oblivious to the fact that you would refuse to physically see me for nearly six consecutive years. There were times I never had a phone number or an address for you. There were occasions when I thought you were dead. At times, I contacted your mother to see where you were or if she had a number I could contact you with. She claimed to have had no idea where you were or what your number was (If that was a lie, she told it). In the few conversations we did have in the six years you separated yourself from me, there was anger and profanity-laced dialogue from both of us. My anger stemmed from your abandonment and the unnecessary blame you put on my mother for it; Your anger stemmed from me finally confronting you about your abandonment. I have learned over the years that no one can confront you or even firmly express their opinions about your offenses against them without you ranting and spewing venom, because in your own words, "Who tells me what to do?" In June 2011, in a vain attempt to reconnect with you and to heal the wounds of our damaged relationship, I wanted to spend a few days with you in your hometown of Americus, GA. My mother literally begged me not to take that chance, because she instinctively knew hurt and pain would immediately follow. She was absolutely right about that. While most children wouldn't even waste their time trying to reconnect with their absentee and apathetic parents in their adult lives, I was foolish enough to believe that me reaching out to you would commence the rejuvenation of our father-son relationship. Well, as you know, the downward spiral continued. From more volatile conversations (For example, do you remember the time you threatened to put me and my household six feet under in October 2011), to further alienation from my family (which was partly their fault as well, because they never included me in the family dynamic either) to a callous disregard for my tears and feelings, you continued to play an inactive role in my life. Now, here I am today, 22 years old, typing this letter and, by the grace of God, still standing. Although I am emotionally and mentally stronger than I was two years ago (I was almost overpowered by suicidal thoughts stemming from the family chaos), it still disappoints me, not only because we are in a place where we barely speak to one another, but because you have proudly continued the legacy of paternal abandonment and abuse in our family. Your father abandoned you and your older brother when you were just six years old, and to my knowledge, you don't have a healthy relationship with him at almost 50. I remember my mother telling me how you vowed you would never be the type of parent your father was to you. Guess what? I have news for you: You fulfilled that promise to not be like your father. Instead, you became a worse parent than he was. If there is one thing that I can give Pop credit for, is that when he walked out, he stayed out. Unlike you, he didn't play with people's emotions and didn't make promises that he never kept. The fact that you played games with my emotions and my life, shows the inner monstrosity and vulgarity you love to put a facade over. Also, even though no parent should abandon and alienate his/her child for any reason, the fact that you abandoned me and never played an active role in my life knowing I had Asperger's Syndrome, was an extremely low blow on your part. I needed extra love and support, especially from my family. Unfortunately, you didn't have it to give. You didn't have any type of patience, understanding, and acceptance for me and my condition, and as the years passed, that became much more evident. I can recall one time while visiting your mother over two years ago in Americus, you said to my mother in front of me, that you didn't want children during the beginning of your marriage to her (So is that why you had sex with her without a contraceptive in November 1991, thus conceiving me). You also said that once I was born, you claimed that you decided to deal with it. You figured I would be the "average boy," playing sports and chasing girls. You probably would have accepted and respected me had I been similar to, or exactly like you. What you failed to realize is that just because you had your own vision about who and what I would become, doesn't mean that the vision would come to pass. I was not meant to be a carbon copy of you; I grew to be my own person. The one paramount truth is that, I was still your child, and I deserved your unconditional love and respect. I will admit, I never learned to play football or any other sports, I never learned to ride a bicycle or drive a car (Yes, I am still afraid to learn how to drive), I never learned how to fight when someone physically assaulted me, and no, I still have not experienced the "joys of vagina" (You were the one that said, "Get all the p**** you can."). That was/is no reason to belittle me, degrade me, reject me, or avoid me. My autism is no reason not to love and accept me. My homosexuality is no reason not to love and accept me. The bottom line is that I will not apologize for not being athletic, I will not apologize for being gay and never conquering a member of the opposite sex, I will not apologize for wanting to watch The Real Housewives rather than a sporting event, I will not apologize for wanting to go on a shopping spree rather than attend a game, I will not apologize for not being able to reach (in your words) "the milestones that I should have reached," and no, I will not apologize IF this letter should find its way to you and you become offended. I will apologize to myself for not loving me more, I will apologize to myself for all the times I displayed self-loathe just because you loathed me, and will apologize to myself for nearly throwing my life away behind your abandonment and abuse. Even if you were the type of father who tried to show me how to play sports or how to attract a young woman, if by chance I couldn't do it, there was nothing wrong with saying, "It's OK son. You did your best, and I'm proud of you" and actually meaning it. There was nothing wrong with being proud of the things I could do right or applauding my own special talents. There was nothing wrong with embracing me for who I was and supporting my dreams. Maybe one day, you will look into the mirror of your soul and feel remorse for the pain you have caused. I really don't care if you do or if you don't, but I want to say, that I truly forgive you, not for you as the offender, but for ME. I have no guilt, shame, or regrets, because I have done all that I can do as a son and as a human being to try to make you understand that I wanted you in my life. So, if not calling me and not wanting me to be around you or our family makes you comfortable, I can accept that. It doesn't make it right, but it's okay. I will survive. Remember this: The legacy of paternal abandonment and abuse in our family is completely shameful and heartbreaking. This letter is dedicated to you, your father, and anyone else in our family who happens to take lightly the pathology of fathers failing their children. If this letter should offend anyone in our family, so be it.
From your son,
Fredrick (The Chocolate Aspie)
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