The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #2

Question #2:

How many of you have experienced/are experiencing paternal abandonment or abuse or disconnect from a parent?

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #1

Good Monday afternoon everyone!

I really want to keep the lines of communication open between us, so that we can divulge in meaningful dialogue and participate in healthy debates regarding issues we face as Aspies, especially Black LGBT Aspies, on a daily basis. With that being said, I have decided to reach out to you all with "Questions of the Day." There will be a question posted each day in the afternoon, and I would love for you all to respond openly and honestly. Remember, honesty is the best policy and we can disagree without being disagreeable!

Question #1:

For those of you who read the open letter to my father (From The Chocolate Aspie, To His Cavalier Father), how did you truly feel about it?

From The Chocolate Aspie, To His Cavalier Father

Dear Dad/Freddie Lewis Bishop,

       This letter is not intended to hurt or embarrass you; This letter is intended to heal and help me. Quite frankly, if you are not hurt or embarrassed by your own disregard and disrespect towards me by now, then this letter will only be regurgitated rhetoric to you. When I looked up the definition of the word "father" earlier today, I read that it means "a man in relation to his natural child or children" and "a man who has begotten a child." My definition of "father" is a man who loves his child or children unconditionally, a man who takes full responsibility for the well being of any and every child that he helps to create, and a man who will continue to be a guiding light for his offspring, even once they reach adulthood. Maybe my expectations of what a father should be were (and still are) too gargantuan for you to live up to. As a little boy, I looked up to you and my mother as my superheroes, the ones who would never abandon me. Call it childhood naivete' or a far-fetched thought, but I truly believed in you. For a brief time in my life, although I saw you and talked with you on a few occasions due to your tenure in the United States Navy, you were my real life Superman. When you told me that once you retired from the Navy after 20 years of service when I turned 11, that you would be more active in my life, I was ecstatic. I just knew that our bond would strengthen and that you would always be there for me. Well, we both know how things turned out. After your retirement in 2003, I slowly but surely became an irrelevant part of your life. By the end of 2004, your phone calls and visits decreased drastically, and you discontinued paying my mother child support. Thanks to the government garnishing your pension checks, she ended up getting back all of the money you owed her. By the end of 2005, I was oblivious to the fact that you would refuse to physically see me for nearly six consecutive years. There were times I never had a phone number or an address for you. There were occasions when I thought you were dead. At times, I contacted your mother to see where you were or if she had a number I could contact you with. She claimed to have had no idea where you were or what your number was (If that was a lie, she told it). In the few conversations we did have in the six years you separated yourself from me, there was anger and profanity-laced dialogue from both of us. My anger stemmed from your abandonment and the unnecessary blame you put on my mother for it; Your anger stemmed from me  finally confronting you about your abandonment. I have learned over the years that no one can confront you or even firmly express their opinions about your offenses against them without you ranting and spewing venom, because in your own words, "Who tells me what to do?" In June 2011, in a vain attempt to reconnect with you and to heal the wounds of our damaged relationship, I wanted to spend a few days with you in your hometown of Americus, GA. My mother literally begged me not to take that chance, because she instinctively knew hurt and pain would immediately follow. She was absolutely right about that. While most children wouldn't even waste their time trying to reconnect with their absentee and apathetic parents in their adult lives, I was foolish enough to believe that me reaching out to you would commence the rejuvenation of our father-son relationship. Well, as you know, the downward spiral continued. From more volatile conversations (For example, do you remember the time you threatened to put me and my household six feet under in October 2011), to further alienation from my family (which was partly their fault as well, because they never included me in the family dynamic either) to a callous disregard for my tears and feelings, you continued to play an inactive role in my life. Now, here I am today, 22 years old, typing this letter and, by the grace of God, still standing. Although I am emotionally and mentally stronger than I was two years ago (I was almost overpowered by suicidal thoughts stemming from the family chaos), it still disappoints me, not only because we are in a place where we barely speak to one another, but because you have proudly continued the legacy of paternal abandonment and abuse in our family. Your father abandoned you and your older brother when you were just six years old, and to my knowledge, you don't have a healthy relationship with him at almost 50. I remember my mother telling me how you vowed you would never be the type of parent your father was to you. Guess what? I have news for you: You fulfilled that promise to not be like your father. Instead, you became a worse parent than he was. If there is one thing that I can give Pop credit for, is that when he walked out, he stayed out. Unlike you, he didn't play with people's emotions and didn't make promises that he never kept. The fact that you played games with my emotions and my life, shows the inner monstrosity and vulgarity you love to put a facade over. Also, even though no parent should abandon and alienate his/her child for any reason, the fact that you abandoned me and never played an active role in my life knowing I had Asperger's Syndrome, was an extremely low blow on your part. I needed extra love and support, especially from my family. Unfortunately, you didn't have it to give. You didn't have any type of patience, understanding, and acceptance for me and my condition, and as the years passed, that became much more evident. I can recall one time while visiting your mother over two years ago in Americus, you said to my mother in front of me, that you didn't want children during the beginning of your marriage to her (So is that why you had sex with her without a contraceptive in November 1991, thus conceiving me). You also said that once I was born, you claimed that you decided to deal with it. You figured I would be the "average boy," playing sports and chasing girls. You probably would have accepted and respected me had I been similar to, or exactly like you. What you failed to realize is that just because you had your own vision about who and what I would become, doesn't mean that the vision would come to pass. I was not meant to be a carbon copy of you; I grew to be my own person. The one paramount truth is that, I was still your child, and I deserved your unconditional love and respect. I will admit, I never learned to play football or any other sports, I never learned to ride a bicycle or drive a car (Yes, I am still afraid to learn how to drive), I never learned how to fight when someone physically assaulted me, and no, I still have not experienced the "joys of vagina" (You were the one that said, "Get all the p**** you can."). That was/is no reason to belittle me, degrade me, reject me, or avoid me. My autism is no reason not to love and accept me. My homosexuality is no reason not to love and accept me. The bottom line is that I will not apologize for not being athletic, I will not apologize for being gay and never conquering a member of the opposite sex, I will not apologize for wanting to watch The Real Housewives rather than a sporting event, I will not apologize for wanting to go on a shopping spree rather than attend a game, I will not apologize for not being able to reach (in your words) "the milestones that I should have reached," and no, I will not apologize IF this letter should find its way to you and you become offended. I will apologize to myself for not loving me more, I will apologize to myself for all the times I displayed self-loathe just because you loathed me, and will apologize to myself for nearly throwing my life away behind your abandonment and abuse. Even if you were the type of father who tried to show me how to play sports or how to attract a young woman, if by chance I couldn't do it, there was nothing wrong with saying, "It's OK son. You did your best, and I'm proud of you" and actually meaning it. There was nothing wrong with being proud of the things I could do right or applauding my own special talents. There was nothing wrong with embracing me for who I was and supporting my dreams. Maybe one day, you will look into the mirror of your soul and feel remorse for the pain you have caused. I really don't care if you do or if you don't, but I want to say, that I truly forgive you, not for you as the offender, but for ME. I have no guilt, shame, or regrets, because I have done all that I can do as a son and as a human being to try to make you understand that I wanted you in my life. So, if not calling me and not wanting me to be around you or our family makes you comfortable, I can accept that. It doesn't make it right, but it's okay. I will survive. Remember this: The legacy of paternal abandonment and abuse in our family is completely shameful and heartbreaking. This letter is dedicated to you, your father, and anyone else in our family who happens to take lightly the pathology of fathers failing their children. If this letter should offend anyone in our family, so be it. 

From your son,
Fredrick (The Chocolate Aspie)

     

     

Out Of The Loop: The Chocolate Aspie's Diagnosis, Part Three (Final)

In March 1997, as recommended by Shiela Cannon, M.D. of the Atlanta Area Psychological Associates, P.C., an attempt was made to test me for an attention deficit disorder. Two different instruments (the IVA and TOVA, which were successfully used with other four-year-olds) were used in an attempt to evaluate me; Both attempts failed. According to the examiner, I was unable to understand and follow directions on the IVA. On the TOVA, I became frustrated, refused to continue, and started kicking my feet and making mean faces and growling noises. I was noted to be hyperactive and I exhibited poor impulse control, and no sense of boundary (For example, I was apt to touch, feel, and hug Dr. Cannon). I was also noted wanting excessive closeness, as I attempted to climb into the doctor's lap and sought a great deal of physical contact from her, my mother, and my grandmother. By the latter part of March, my mother and grandmother took me to another doctor, Patricia Allen Brown, PhD. of the Atlanta Area Psychological Associates, P.C., in another attempt to officially diagnose me. I was taken back to her on April 8, 1997 for a second appointment.

Monday, April 21, 1997: A letter arrived for my mother from Dr. Allen Brown, with news that would change my and household's lives forever. It was an official diagnosis, the answer my mother and grandmother had been searching for since I started Pre-K. In the words of Dr. Allen Brown's report, "It is my opinion that Fredrick's developmental pattern and behavioral manifestations most closely resemble a mild to moderate form of Asperger's Disorder... Fredrick has qualitative impairments in social interactions in his lack of social and emotional reciprocity, and his inability to use nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interactions. Further, he has a preoccupation with cars that is abnormal in both intensity and focus, and he has significant impairments in educational areas of functioning." My mother and grandmother stated in the first meeting with Dr. Allen Brown that I had an inability to empathize with others, given that I was so affectionate; The doctors noted that as well (Cruel irony, isn't it). While I was told that I had Asperger's Syndrome, my minuscule four-year-old mind could not comprehend how this would impact my life... Monday, April 21, 1997 was the beginning of a complex, painful, and continuous journey. It is a journey that is presently shaping me into becoming a better and stronger person. Without pressure, there cannot be a diamond.

Out Of The Loop: The Chocolate Aspie's Diagnosis, Part Two

Shortly before withdrawing from Oak Knoll, at the request of Lynne Sullivan (an Instructional Support Teacher), I was referred for a developmental evaluation in October 1996. She referred me because of possible developmental delays, specifically in the area of personal-social skills. After taking the Battelle Developmental Inventory, the Burks' Behavior Rating Scales, and the Connor's Rating Scales, it was determined that I was functioning below my chronological age in all areas of development. According to my teacher, Ms. Budd, I had difficulty following the class routine and structure, I talked out loud in class, I was too "touchy-feely," I was unable to follow class rules and directions, I demanded adult attention, I needed reminders to cooperate, take turns, and share, and I was generally non-compliant.

A month later, I was seen for a speech and language evaluation in conjunction with a Special Needs Preschool referral. The evaluation results indicated scattered language skills. I exhibited a moderate receptive language delay with specific weaknesses in the comprehension of basic concepts, syntax, and morphology. Additionally, I exhibited a mild expressive language delay. My expressive vocabulary skills appeared to be fairly well developed, though I had difficulty maintaining a given topic of reference. Based on those test results, Speech Impaired Services were warranted. By the time January 1997 came along, I was officially withdrawn from Oak Knoll Elementary School, and my mother and grandmother requested a comprehensive Preschool Team evaluation from the present-day Marcus Autism Center. They were extremely concerned about possible developmental delays and behavioral problems since I had recently been evaluated by the Fulton County School System and deemed eligible for special needs preschool services. Marcus used a neurodevelopmental evaluation, a physical examination, developmental history, Early Screening Profiles (one a Cognitive/Language Profile, the other a Self-help/Social Profile Questionnaire), a Child Behavior Checklist (CBCL), a clinical interview with my mother and grandmother, an informal behavior observation, a review of records, and finally, a clinical interview with the family. Marcus determined the following:

With expressive language, I was able to tell stories, say my full name, identify colors, state my address, count to 10, and recite the days of the week.

With receptive language, I had difficulty with multi-step commands and more complex prepositions.

With gross motor skills, I could ascend and descend stairs reciprocally, but I had difficulty peddling a tricycle.

With fine motor skills, I was thought to have a right hand preference, although sometimes I used my left hand. I was described as having an emerging pencil grasp.

With adaptive skills, I was able to use a fork, able to dress and undress myself with some support, and I was toilet trained. I did, however, have nocturnal enuresis.

With all of those procedures being done, and all of Marcus' findings, a diagnosis was unclear for me...

Why I Created The Chocolate Aspie

This post was published in LinkedIn, and it describes why I decided to create this blog site. I hope this gives people a clear insight on the purpose of The Chocolate Aspie and why it is so necessary.

Why I Created The Chocolate Aspie (LinkedIn)

Welcome To Facebook!

Good evening everyone! I am happy to announce The Chocolate Aspie's debut on Facebook! Please, visit the page and like it today! I would be so grateful if you did!

The Chocolate Aspie Facebook Page

Fredrick Bishop

Welcome to Google Plus!

Attention everyone! The Chocolate Aspie is now on Google Plus (Google+)! I hope you will check out the page and gladly follow it! By the way, more social media pages from The Chocolate Aspie are coming soon, so be on the lookout! I thank each and every one of you who have supported this blog site so far! My goal is for this blog site to have a positive international impact, especially for Black LGBT Aspies. Please continue to visit the blog site and to also spread the word about this endeavor!

The Chocolate Aspie on Google+

Fredrick Bishop

Out Of The Loop: The Chocolate Aspie's Diagnosis, Part One

When someone is born, that person doesn't get to choose his/her skin color, nationality, gender, eye color, or other genetic features. That person also doesn't get to choose how their minds function neurologically. I am sure that if my mother had her way, she would have given me a mind void of any mental and neurological issues. She would have given me a life void of ridicule and rejection... Well, that's not how my life turned out. No parent ever thinks that his/her child will develop a form of autism, and no amount of intestinal fortitude in the world will ever prepare a parent for the moment of impact, when he/she discovers that his/her child is autistic. I think I can speak for my mother when I say, you can never prepare yourself for that hurt.

From the moment I was born on Tuesday, July 14, 1992, I was the apple of my mother and late maternal grandparents' eyes. Growing up in the suburbs of East Point, GA, my world consisted of my mom, Joycene, and her parents, George and Mattie. I was a bright eyed, inquisitive, and intelligent little boy, and I enjoyed my household and the adventures in my backyard, playing with pine cones and digging for earthworms. I also loved cars, from small matchbox cars to big Tonka trucks. I would always line the cars up in various parts of the house, as if they were a part of a mini parking lot or funeral motorcade. I was able to properly identify any model of car that I saw driving on the highways. That fueled my desire to collect as many matchbox cars as I could (My mother still has my massive car collection to this very day). As a witness to this, my dearly departed grandmother thought that she was laying eyes on a bona fide genius with no mental flaws. Little did the family know, that was a veil that covered an earth shattering truth. 

Because I was the proclaimed "little genius," school should not have been a major issue for me. The soon-to-be former Oak Knoll Elementary School of East Point, GA was the beginning of my academic journey in 1996. I was one of about 25 students in Ms. Budd and Ms. Clinkscales' class. Our days consisted of  lessons, story time, nap time, recess, and lunch. For me, however, part of the days consisted of crawling under the desks while all of my other classmates would be sitting in a semicircle, attentive to the story being read by Ms. Budd. My mind was completely unfocused from the story, as I continued my adventure crawling under each desk. I did not intend to be a distraction to my peers, nor I did not intend to disrespect my teachers, but this was the way it was perceived. Ms. Budd eventually went to her superior to inform her of my behavior; The superior then contacted my mother and allowed her watch one of my adventures through a one way mirror. For the first time in motherhood, Mom felt completely helpless and heartbroken. She immediately contacted my grandmother, who was a retired educator and assistant principal, to ask for her professional and personal advice. My grandmother had only one option: Immediate withdrawal from Oak Knoll. From there, they would brainstorm the next steps...

What Is Asperger's Syndrome?

DISCLAIMER: For those who already know about Asperger's Syndrome, you can skip this post!

Asperger's Syndrome (AS) is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD), one of a distinct group of complex neurodevelopment disorders characterized by social impairment, communication difficulties, and restrictive, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior.

Asperger's Syndrome include:

Problems with social skills: Children with Asperger's Syndrome generally have difficulty interacting with others and are often awkward in social situations. They generally do not make friends easily. They have difficulty initiating and maintaining conversation.

Eccentric or repetitive behaviors: Children with this condition may develop odd, repetitive movements, such as hand wringing or finger twisting.

Unusual preoccupations or rituals: A child with Asperger's Syndrome may develop rituals that he or she refuses to alter, such as getting dressed in a specific order.

Communication difficulties: People with Asperger's Syndrome may not make eye contact when speaking with someone. They may have trouble using facial expressions and gestures, and understanding body language. They also tend to have problems understanding language in content and are very literal in their use of language.

Limited range of interests: A child with Asperger's Syndrome may develop an intense, almost obsessive, interest in a few areas such as sports schedules, weather, or maps.

Coordination problems: The movements of children with Asperger's Syndrome may seem clumsy or awkward.

Skilled or talented: Many children with Asperger's Syndrome are exceptionally talented or skilled in a particular area, such as music or math.

T.C.A. Q&A and Aspie Advice

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns for The Chocolate Aspie (T.C.A.), fill free to post them in this section. I will respond back in a timely fashion! You can ask me anything relating to my life, my blog site, your lives, or any problems you are dealing with. Remember, "That's What Friends Are For!"

Who Is The Chocolate Aspie?

He is the UNAPOLOGETIC and UNFILTERED voice of a Black gay man with Asperger's Syndrome, a social disorder and a high functioning form of autism. For the past 18 years, he has been growing and learning about life, dealing with its many challenges as an Aspie. Though the journey has been rough and filled with rejection, mental/emotional anguish, and social awkwardness, he has risen from the negativity to boldly tell his story, to become a staunch supporter of individuals in his situation, and to become an advocate of autism awareness. This blog site is meant to be an anchor of healing for him and an ever present safe haven for Black LGBT Aspies everywhere!

DISCLAIMER: This blog site is intended for mature audiences only (18+). Also, the content from The Chocolate Aspie (Fredrick L. Bishop) should not be used/relied on for medical or legal matters. While he endeavors to keep the information up to date and correct, he makes no representations or warranties of any kind, expressed or implied, about the completeness, accuracy, reliability, suitability, or availability with respect to the blog site or the information, products, services, or related graphics contained on the blog site for any purpose. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk.