Where In The Hell Have You Been, Chocolate Aspie?

Yes, yes, I know what you are all thinking. You all are thinking, "Wow, it's been a quite a long time since he has posted something. Where has The Chocolate Aspie been? Where did he go? I thought he was dead." Well world, The Chocolate Aspie is DEFINITELY NOT dead, he is alive and well, and he wants to apologize for those who missed him and his insightful posts. Although I have been temporarily inactive from this blog site, there are many people who have continued to check out my stories of struggles and success via The Chocolate Aspie Facebook and The Chocolate Aspie Google+ pages. To those individuals, I say, "THANK YOU!" To those individuals who have been inspired and educated from this blog site, I say, "KEEP ON READING AND SPREADING THE WORD ABOUT ME!" You all make The Chocolate Aspie who he is!

Now, as I said earlier, I know that it has been a long time since I logged in to talk to you all; I am sincerely ready to make amends for that offense. My last official blog post was on December 30, 2014, and since then, a lot has happened in my life. For those of you who follow the blog site strictly, you all did not know that on December 14, 2014, my great grandmother, Rosie Lee Sims-Patrick, affectionately known as Big Mama, passed away from a battle with pneumonia. She was 94 years old and the matriarch of my paternal grandmother's family. Two days after Big Mama's transition, I received the tragic news that my god brother, Rodney Sylvester Williams, Jr., made his transition. He was only 24 years old and his health deteriorated at a rapid rate. Just when I thought I had been dealt with enough losses, on January 10, 2015, my mother had to break the news that my paternal grandmother, Mozelle Jackson Bishop, transitioned after suffering cardiac arrest. She was 79. Those were three shocking deaths in less than a month and I really couldn't find the gumption to talk about them on the blog site. So, I decided to take some time off from blogging until I was fully prepared to come back...

Without a real professional and personal life, my life was going at a slow and mundane pace, until my mother suggested to me that I enroll into Job Corps. I was debating about going to Job Corps months ago, but there were some people who felt it was an unwise decision. They brought up the fact that I had an undergraduate degree and that going into Job Corps would be "going backwards." My mother, however, said that I had nothing to lose and reminded me that my late god brother Rodney went to the Job Corps center in Brunswick, GA and found employment with the city's sewer company. He ended up becoming my paramount inspiration for beginning my journey in the Atlanta Job Corps Center on May 12, 2015. After three months of education and training, I received a Business Office Administration Diploma on August 27, 2015 (I will tell you about my journey at AJCC at a later time, I promise!).

I must say, coming back to The Chocolate Aspie feels wonderful! I am hoping that more people across the globe will be informed, educated, and enlightened by my upcoming posts. I promise that will be more committed than ever to being the UNAPOLOGETIC and UNFILTERED voice!

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #13

Question #13:

To my fellow Aspies, how do you display pride in your exceptionality/exceptionalities?

The Chocolate Aspie Honors #1

The journey of an Aspie isn't an easy one. For me, growing up, I didn't have friends or that many role models. I have decided to pay homage to both famous and non-famous individuals who have impacted my life or inspired me to be a better person. Some of these people I have never met; Some of these people I have known for many years. I want to commence this list with a famous individual who has touched people all over the world with her angelic singing voice and personality. This person is singing sensation and fellow Aspie, Miss Susan Boyle.

Date of Birth: April 1, 1961
Place of Birth: Blackburn, West Lothian, Scotland
Best Known For: Her incredible stint on the reality television competition show Britain's Got Talent in 2009
Other Accomplishments: The 2009 album I Dreamed A Dream, which topped music charts in the U.S. and the U.K. and the 2010 Christmas album The Gift, which also topped music charts in the U.S. and the U.K.

I look up to Susan Boyle for not only her voice, but for her courage that propelled her to follow her dreams. As a child, doctors diagnosed her with brain damage (she was later diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2013 after years of misdiagnosis) and was ridiculed and harassed by her peers. I can definitely relate to that. When she first appeared on Britain's Got Talent, her outward appearance made people very skeptical of her talent. That all changed when she opened her mouth to sing a rendition of "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Miserables. Over 10 million television viewers watched her on April 11, 2009 and the rest was history. As someone with Asperger's Syndrome who wants to one day share his singing talent with the world, I can honestly say that Miss Boyle is the ideal role model!

From The Chocolate Aspie, To His Cavalier Father

Dear Dad/Freddie Lewis Bishop,

       This letter is not intended to hurt or embarrass you; This letter is intended to heal and help me. Quite frankly, if you are not hurt or embarrassed by your own disregard and disrespect towards me by now, then this letter will only be regurgitated rhetoric to you. When I looked up the definition of the word "father" earlier today, I read that it means "a man in relation to his natural child or children" and "a man who has begotten a child." My definition of "father" is a man who loves his child or children unconditionally, a man who takes full responsibility for the well being of any and every child that he helps to create, and a man who will continue to be a guiding light for his offspring, even once they reach adulthood. Maybe my expectations of what a father should be were (and still are) too gargantuan for you to live up to. As a little boy, I looked up to you and my mother as my superheroes, the ones who would never abandon me. Call it childhood naivete' or a far-fetched thought, but I truly believed in you. For a brief time in my life, although I saw you and talked with you on a few occasions due to your tenure in the United States Navy, you were my real life Superman. When you told me that once you retired from the Navy after 20 years of service when I turned 11, that you would be more active in my life, I was ecstatic. I just knew that our bond would strengthen and that you would always be there for me. Well, we both know how things turned out. After your retirement in 2003, I slowly but surely became an irrelevant part of your life. By the end of 2004, your phone calls and visits decreased drastically, and you discontinued paying my mother child support. Thanks to the government garnishing your pension checks, she ended up getting back all of the money you owed her. By the end of 2005, I was oblivious to the fact that you would refuse to physically see me for nearly six consecutive years. There were times I never had a phone number or an address for you. There were occasions when I thought you were dead. At times, I contacted your mother to see where you were or if she had a number I could contact you with. She claimed to have had no idea where you were or what your number was (If that was a lie, she told it). In the few conversations we did have in the six years you separated yourself from me, there was anger and profanity-laced dialogue from both of us. My anger stemmed from your abandonment and the unnecessary blame you put on my mother for it; Your anger stemmed from me  finally confronting you about your abandonment. I have learned over the years that no one can confront you or even firmly express their opinions about your offenses against them without you ranting and spewing venom, because in your own words, "Who tells me what to do?" In June 2011, in a vain attempt to reconnect with you and to heal the wounds of our damaged relationship, I wanted to spend a few days with you in your hometown of Americus, GA. My mother literally begged me not to take that chance, because she instinctively knew hurt and pain would immediately follow. She was absolutely right about that. While most children wouldn't even waste their time trying to reconnect with their absentee and apathetic parents in their adult lives, I was foolish enough to believe that me reaching out to you would commence the rejuvenation of our father-son relationship. Well, as you know, the downward spiral continued. From more volatile conversations (For example, do you remember the time you threatened to put me and my household six feet under in October 2011), to further alienation from my family (which was partly their fault as well, because they never included me in the family dynamic either) to a callous disregard for my tears and feelings, you continued to play an inactive role in my life. Now, here I am today, 22 years old, typing this letter and, by the grace of God, still standing. Although I am emotionally and mentally stronger than I was two years ago (I was almost overpowered by suicidal thoughts stemming from the family chaos), it still disappoints me, not only because we are in a place where we barely speak to one another, but because you have proudly continued the legacy of paternal abandonment and abuse in our family. Your father abandoned you and your older brother when you were just six years old, and to my knowledge, you don't have a healthy relationship with him at almost 50. I remember my mother telling me how you vowed you would never be the type of parent your father was to you. Guess what? I have news for you: You fulfilled that promise to not be like your father. Instead, you became a worse parent than he was. If there is one thing that I can give Pop credit for, is that when he walked out, he stayed out. Unlike you, he didn't play with people's emotions and didn't make promises that he never kept. The fact that you played games with my emotions and my life, shows the inner monstrosity and vulgarity you love to put a facade over. Also, even though no parent should abandon and alienate his/her child for any reason, the fact that you abandoned me and never played an active role in my life knowing I had Asperger's Syndrome, was an extremely low blow on your part. I needed extra love and support, especially from my family. Unfortunately, you didn't have it to give. You didn't have any type of patience, understanding, and acceptance for me and my condition, and as the years passed, that became much more evident. I can recall one time while visiting your mother over two years ago in Americus, you said to my mother in front of me, that you didn't want children during the beginning of your marriage to her (So is that why you had sex with her without a contraceptive in November 1991, thus conceiving me). You also said that once I was born, you claimed that you decided to deal with it. You figured I would be the "average boy," playing sports and chasing girls. You probably would have accepted and respected me had I been similar to, or exactly like you. What you failed to realize is that just because you had your own vision about who and what I would become, doesn't mean that the vision would come to pass. I was not meant to be a carbon copy of you; I grew to be my own person. The one paramount truth is that, I was still your child, and I deserved your unconditional love and respect. I will admit, I never learned to play football or any other sports, I never learned to ride a bicycle or drive a car (Yes, I am still afraid to learn how to drive), I never learned how to fight when someone physically assaulted me, and no, I still have not experienced the "joys of vagina" (You were the one that said, "Get all the p**** you can."). That was/is no reason to belittle me, degrade me, reject me, or avoid me. My autism is no reason not to love and accept me. My homosexuality is no reason not to love and accept me. The bottom line is that I will not apologize for not being athletic, I will not apologize for being gay and never conquering a member of the opposite sex, I will not apologize for wanting to watch The Real Housewives rather than a sporting event, I will not apologize for wanting to go on a shopping spree rather than attend a game, I will not apologize for not being able to reach (in your words) "the milestones that I should have reached," and no, I will not apologize IF this letter should find its way to you and you become offended. I will apologize to myself for not loving me more, I will apologize to myself for all the times I displayed self-loathe just because you loathed me, and will apologize to myself for nearly throwing my life away behind your abandonment and abuse. Even if you were the type of father who tried to show me how to play sports or how to attract a young woman, if by chance I couldn't do it, there was nothing wrong with saying, "It's OK son. You did your best, and I'm proud of you" and actually meaning it. There was nothing wrong with being proud of the things I could do right or applauding my own special talents. There was nothing wrong with embracing me for who I was and supporting my dreams. Maybe one day, you will look into the mirror of your soul and feel remorse for the pain you have caused. I really don't care if you do or if you don't, but I want to say, that I truly forgive you, not for you as the offender, but for ME. I have no guilt, shame, or regrets, because I have done all that I can do as a son and as a human being to try to make you understand that I wanted you in my life. So, if not calling me and not wanting me to be around you or our family makes you comfortable, I can accept that. It doesn't make it right, but it's okay. I will survive. Remember this: The legacy of paternal abandonment and abuse in our family is completely shameful and heartbreaking. This letter is dedicated to you, your father, and anyone else in our family who happens to take lightly the pathology of fathers failing their children. If this letter should offend anyone in our family, so be it. 

From your son,
Fredrick (The Chocolate Aspie)

     

     

Out Of The Loop: The Chocolate Aspie's Diagnosis, Part Three (Final)

In March 1997, as recommended by Shiela Cannon, M.D. of the Atlanta Area Psychological Associates, P.C., an attempt was made to test me for an attention deficit disorder. Two different instruments (the IVA and TOVA, which were successfully used with other four-year-olds) were used in an attempt to evaluate me; Both attempts failed. According to the examiner, I was unable to understand and follow directions on the IVA. On the TOVA, I became frustrated, refused to continue, and started kicking my feet and making mean faces and growling noises. I was noted to be hyperactive and I exhibited poor impulse control, and no sense of boundary (For example, I was apt to touch, feel, and hug Dr. Cannon). I was also noted wanting excessive closeness, as I attempted to climb into the doctor's lap and sought a great deal of physical contact from her, my mother, and my grandmother. By the latter part of March, my mother and grandmother took me to another doctor, Patricia Allen Brown, PhD. of the Atlanta Area Psychological Associates, P.C., in another attempt to officially diagnose me. I was taken back to her on April 8, 1997 for a second appointment.

Monday, April 21, 1997: A letter arrived for my mother from Dr. Allen Brown, with news that would change my and household's lives forever. It was an official diagnosis, the answer my mother and grandmother had been searching for since I started Pre-K. In the words of Dr. Allen Brown's report, "It is my opinion that Fredrick's developmental pattern and behavioral manifestations most closely resemble a mild to moderate form of Asperger's Disorder... Fredrick has qualitative impairments in social interactions in his lack of social and emotional reciprocity, and his inability to use nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interactions. Further, he has a preoccupation with cars that is abnormal in both intensity and focus, and he has significant impairments in educational areas of functioning." My mother and grandmother stated in the first meeting with Dr. Allen Brown that I had an inability to empathize with others, given that I was so affectionate; The doctors noted that as well (Cruel irony, isn't it). While I was told that I had Asperger's Syndrome, my minuscule four-year-old mind could not comprehend how this would impact my life... Monday, April 21, 1997 was the beginning of a complex, painful, and continuous journey. It is a journey that is presently shaping me into becoming a better and stronger person. Without pressure, there cannot be a diamond.

Why I Created The Chocolate Aspie

This post was published in LinkedIn, and it describes why I decided to create this blog site. I hope this gives people a clear insight on the purpose of The Chocolate Aspie and why it is so necessary.

Why I Created The Chocolate Aspie (LinkedIn)