What Pulse Means to Me: One Year Later

Life, as we all know, is a precious and fragile gift. Tomorrow is never promised to anyone. For me, June 12, 2016 started off as a normal day and it ended in heartbreak and confusion. I was working as a dishwasher and a cashier at the Campbell-Stone North Apartments in Sandy Springs, Georgia. Little did I know, nearly 456 miles south of where I was located, carnage and tragedy ensued. The Pulse nightclub on 1912 South Orange Avenue in Orlando, Florida was supposed to be a haven for the LGBTQ community and its allies. It was supposed to be a place for people to congregate and dance in peace. Sadly, in the two o'clock hour early that morning, it would become the place of the deadliest mass shooting in American history. 49 people were killed and 58 people were injured in a vicious act of hate and terrorism...

It is difficult to put into words how I feel about the Pulse massacre. Even now, on the eve of its one-year anniversary, words are not adequate enough to describe the pain I have in my heart for the innocent victims, survivors, and their families. I ask myself, "Why did this have to happen?" The truth is, no one but God knows the answer. I can tell you that as a gay man, the events of June 12, 2016 left a scar on my soul and put in me the fear that the same thing could happen to me. That ever-present fear will probably never go away. Each time I went out to a gay-friendly establishment like Bulldogs of Midtown Atlanta, GA or the Monster Bar of Manhattan in New York City since the massacre, the thought of a crazed gunman coming in and shooting at the crowd of people never left my mind. That may be abnormal to some people, but for me, it is, unfortunately, a new normal. I hope and pray that I will find the peace that will ultimately dissipate those thoughts.

For the victims of that heinous crime, my tears won't stop flowing. I didn't know any of them personally, but I do know that we all shared the commonality of believing that love is love and that it transcends sexual orientation. As I think about Pulse itself, I think of more than just a nightclub or a memorial site. Pulse means that despite death and desolation, life is still worth living. Pulse means that in a tragic loss, there is a chance for new beginnings. Pulse means that as we honor and remember those who were lost, we can prepare ourselves to gain a rebirth of strength and PRIDE. That is my fervent prayer for all of us who were and still are affected, both directly and indirectly.

In Memoriam...

• Stanley Almodovar III, age 23
• Amanda Alvear, 25
• Oscar A. Aracena-Montero, 26
• Rodolfo Ayala-Ayala, 33
• Alejandro Barrios Martinez, 21
• Martin Benitez Torres, 33
• Antonio D. Brown, 30
• Darryl R. Burt II, 29
• Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, 24
• Angel L. Candelario-Padro, 28
• Simon A. Carrillo Fernandez, 31
• Juan Chevez-Martinez, 25
• Luis D. Conde, 39
• Cory J. Connell, 21
• Tevin E. Crosby, 25
• Franky J. Dejesus Velazquez, 50
• Deonka D. Drayton, 32
• Mercedez M. Flores, 26
• Peter O. Gonzalez-Cruz, 22
• Juan R. Guerrero, 22
• Paul T. Henry, 41
• Frank Hernandez, 27
• Miguel A. Honorato, 30
• Javier Jorge-Reyes, 40
• Jason B. Josaphat, 19
• Eddie J. Justice, 30
• Anthony L. Laureano Disla, 25
• Christopher A. Leinonen, 32
• Brenda L. Marquez McCool, 49
• Jean C. Mendez Perez, 35
• Akyra Monet Murray, 18
• Kimberly Morris, 37
• Jean C. Nieves Rodriguez, 27
• Luis O. Ocasio-Capo, 20
• Geraldo A. Ortiz-Jimenez, 25
• Eric I. Ortiz-Rivera, 36
• Joel Rayon Paniagua, 32
• Enrique L. Rios Jr., 25
• Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, 37
• Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, 24
• Christopher J. Sanfeliz, 24
• Xavier E. Serrano Rosado, 35
• Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, 25
• Edward Sotomayor Jr., 34
• Shane E. Tomlinson, 33
• Leroy Valentin Fernandez, 25
• Luis S. Vielma, 22
• Luis D. Wilson-Leon, 37
• Jerald A. Wright, 31

The Chocolate Aspie's Rejuvenation

Hello everyone! I know what you all are thinking: "The Chocolate Aspie must be finished blogging for good." Well, after months of inactivity and personal changes, I decided that it was high time for me to stop neglecting my creation and start putting a lot more time and energy in it. With all of the controversial events that took place in the world last year, I admit that I missed out on plenty of opportunities to blog. I sincerely regret that, but now, it is time to make amends for that. I vow that you all will see and hear more from me in the coming days! Thank you for the support that you have given me!

Where In The Hell Have You Been, Chocolate Aspie?

Yes, yes, I know what you are all thinking. You all are thinking, "Wow, it's been a quite a long time since he has posted something. Where has The Chocolate Aspie been? Where did he go? I thought he was dead." Well world, The Chocolate Aspie is DEFINITELY NOT dead, he is alive and well, and he wants to apologize for those who missed him and his insightful posts. Although I have been temporarily inactive from this blog site, there are many people who have continued to check out my stories of struggles and success via The Chocolate Aspie Facebook and The Chocolate Aspie Google+ pages. To those individuals, I say, "THANK YOU!" To those individuals who have been inspired and educated from this blog site, I say, "KEEP ON READING AND SPREADING THE WORD ABOUT ME!" You all make The Chocolate Aspie who he is!

Now, as I said earlier, I know that it has been a long time since I logged in to talk to you all; I am sincerely ready to make amends for that offense. My last official blog post was on December 30, 2014, and since then, a lot has happened in my life. For those of you who follow the blog site strictly, you all did not know that on December 14, 2014, my great grandmother, Rosie Lee Sims-Patrick, affectionately known as Big Mama, passed away from a battle with pneumonia. She was 94 years old and the matriarch of my paternal grandmother's family. Two days after Big Mama's transition, I received the tragic news that my god brother, Rodney Sylvester Williams, Jr., made his transition. He was only 24 years old and his health deteriorated at a rapid rate. Just when I thought I had been dealt with enough losses, on January 10, 2015, my mother had to break the news that my paternal grandmother, Mozelle Jackson Bishop, transitioned after suffering cardiac arrest. She was 79. Those were three shocking deaths in less than a month and I really couldn't find the gumption to talk about them on the blog site. So, I decided to take some time off from blogging until I was fully prepared to come back...

Without a real professional and personal life, my life was going at a slow and mundane pace, until my mother suggested to me that I enroll into Job Corps. I was debating about going to Job Corps months ago, but there were some people who felt it was an unwise decision. They brought up the fact that I had an undergraduate degree and that going into Job Corps would be "going backwards." My mother, however, said that I had nothing to lose and reminded me that my late god brother Rodney went to the Job Corps center in Brunswick, GA and found employment with the city's sewer company. He ended up becoming my paramount inspiration for beginning my journey in the Atlanta Job Corps Center on May 12, 2015. After three months of education and training, I received a Business Office Administration Diploma on August 27, 2015 (I will tell you about my journey at AJCC at a later time, I promise!).

I must say, coming back to The Chocolate Aspie feels wonderful! I am hoping that more people across the globe will be informed, educated, and enlightened by my upcoming posts. I promise that will be more committed than ever to being the UNAPOLOGETIC and UNFILTERED voice!

Looking Back And Moving Forward: The Chocolate Aspie's End Of The Year Message

"Should all acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind?"

As the world bids farewell to the year 2014, I must take this opportunity to reflect on my own life during this year and how I plan to go forward for the year 2015. To be honest, there weren't a lot of events or special happenings in my personal life this time around. It is a stark contrast to what has happened (and what is still happening) in the world at large. I am grateful that I lived to see my 22nd birthday in July and I am also grateful for the support I have received through this blog site, which was launched in October. There are so many goals I have for this blog site. I want to have a logo and money for ads by my 23rd birthday, I want to accumulate more followers, and I want to start the process of recording videos or "vlogging." My only hope is that these goals will be realized, that I can continue to give my best towards this venture, and that the support and following of The Chocolate Aspie increases. I look forward to the upcoming year and I pray that all of us are here next year this time.

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #14

Question #14:

In honor of Christmas, how do you celebrate it each year? 

Asperger's Syndrome: Myths And Truths

Earlier today, I discovered this interesting article from http://www.bbc.com/ entitled "Lesser-Known Things About Asperger's Syndrome," by Robyn Steward. In my opinion, this article definitely pinpoints what is true and what is mythologized about Aspergers. If you want to read it for yourself, just click on the link below. I would love for you all to post your opinions about it, whether your reviews are positive or negative. Remember, although commentary is welcome on my blog site, try your best to disagree without being disagreeable!

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-ouch-28746359

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #13

Question #13:

To my fellow Aspies, how do you display pride in your exceptionality/exceptionalities?

When Will MY Time Come?

There are so many days that I question my life. I ask myself, "How come I don't have friends," "How come no one has hired me for a job after all of the applications and interviews," "How come I haven't found love," "How come my relatives don't like me," and "How come I don't have anything to look forward to?" Throughout my childhood, friendship was foreign and being bullied was a regular occurrence. In my college years, I felt like my life would drastically change and I would have the social life I always dreamed of. That didn't happen. When I graduated from college, I felt that a few months would go by and I would have employment in my field. That didn't happen. As I sit here typing this post, I am wondering what the new year will bring for me... I am wondering if I will make it to see 2015. All I can say is that I hope me and my household make through 2014 in its entirety. I am so desperate for a positive change in my life. I want to go out and be a part of the hustle and bustle of humanity. I want to experience real friendship and genuine social connections. I don't want to become a recluse or a hermit, constantly surrounded by the four walls of my room. When will I be free from my loneliness? My mother always tries to encourage me and she believes that this experience that I am going through is momentary. She says that maybe my time just hasn't come yet and that maybe my time will come in the near future. Although I do my best to believe my mother's words and also have faith in God that my life will change, I can't help but feel doubt and uncertainty. It has been so long since I felt confident about my personal and professional progression. I have been on eight job interviews this year with no positive end results and I had to remove myself from the association of people that I thought were my friends. It has been discouraging and disheartening. Still, I am doing my best to hold on and live life one day at a time without bitterness or grief...

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #12

Question #12:

Have you ever been out in public, but wanted to run away and hide from the people around you?

The Chocolate Aspie Honors #1

The journey of an Aspie isn't an easy one. For me, growing up, I didn't have friends or that many role models. I have decided to pay homage to both famous and non-famous individuals who have impacted my life or inspired me to be a better person. Some of these people I have never met; Some of these people I have known for many years. I want to commence this list with a famous individual who has touched people all over the world with her angelic singing voice and personality. This person is singing sensation and fellow Aspie, Miss Susan Boyle.

Date of Birth: April 1, 1961
Place of Birth: Blackburn, West Lothian, Scotland
Best Known For: Her incredible stint on the reality television competition show Britain's Got Talent in 2009
Other Accomplishments: The 2009 album I Dreamed A Dream, which topped music charts in the U.S. and the U.K. and the 2010 Christmas album The Gift, which also topped music charts in the U.S. and the U.K.

I look up to Susan Boyle for not only her voice, but for her courage that propelled her to follow her dreams. As a child, doctors diagnosed her with brain damage (she was later diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2013 after years of misdiagnosis) and was ridiculed and harassed by her peers. I can definitely relate to that. When she first appeared on Britain's Got Talent, her outward appearance made people very skeptical of her talent. That all changed when she opened her mouth to sing a rendition of "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Miserables. Over 10 million television viewers watched her on April 11, 2009 and the rest was history. As someone with Asperger's Syndrome who wants to one day share his singing talent with the world, I can honestly say that Miss Boyle is the ideal role model!

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #11

Question #11:

When was the last time that you were in a tense or difficult social situation?

The Chocolate Aspie Says "Thank You!"

I would like to take this opportunity to say "Thank you" to each and every one of my supporters and those individuals who love my blog site, especially to those here in the USA and those in France! You don't know how much it means to me to see the number of page views and the countries where I am being viewed in. It makes me overjoyed and humble to know that this endeavor is making some sort of difference for people. I only pray that this time next year, the whole world knows who The Chocolate Aspie is. That would be a dream come true for me! All I ask is that you continue to support me and this blog! Again I say, "Thank you!"

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #10

Question #10:

In honor of Thanksgiving, what are you thankful for?

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #9

Question #9:

In the wake of the protests and chaos in Ferguson, Missouri, what does America need to do to improve race relations?

The Chocolate Aspie Questions America

I, as a young Black man in the United States of America, am very hurt and flabbergasted by the grand jury's decision of no indictment of the officer who shot and killed Ferguson, Missouri teenager Michael Brown. Last night, I was once again reminded that I am an endangered species in my own nation and that I have to constantly be on guard for my own life every time I leave my house or if I have an encounter with law enforcement. While watching the news coverage on CNN last night, seeing the sea of protesters and the chaos that ensued, I thought of the late civil rights activist and freedom fighter Fannie Lou Hamer. 50 years ago on August 22nd, she gave a first hand account of the cruelty and abuse she faced while fighting for her basic rights as an American citizen at the Democratic National Convention. The words that she spoke which resonated with me were, "I question America." A half of a century later, I find myself saying those same words. Is this truly America, where unarmed Black teens get murdered in cold blood by the law and get no justice? Is this truly America, where race relations are very much sour and tense, even in 2014 under the leadership of a Black president? I question America...

#JusticeForMikeBrown
#PrayForFerguson

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #8

Question #8:

What are your views on love and relationships?

Gay Ole Times: The Chocolate Aspie's Adventures Of Romance And His Regrets, Part Two

In April of 2012, I was back on A4A once again chatting with a man about 15 years my senior. We had great conversations, but I had my own personal dilemmas going on that made me apprehensive about going forward with him. I even chose to renounce my homosexuality and anything sexual, mainly because I was experiencing homophobia from certain individuals that I love (For example, my paternal grandmother said that I was going to Hell for being gay). At that time, I felt that people would like me better and fully accept me if I weren't gay. After wrestling with my feelings, I decided that I was ready to meet him. After taking me on my first date and hooking up with him at his parents' home with them inside, the connection immediately fell apart (Mom actually called him and told him to never call me again when she found out we engaged in sexual activity in his parents' house with them there). After that mishap, I decided to delete my A4A account indefinitely. Never again would I rely on an online dating site. Months later in October, I met a man on Facebook 22 years my senior. Though he lived in College Park, GA, he was in New York City at the time helping a friend move. It was also the same time that Hurricane Sandy came ashore on the East Coast, so my new "friend" was stranded there. Once he came back to Georgia, we met and engaged in intimate activity. At first, the connection was going fine, but then in the following year, I realized I was made part of his homosexual harem with other guys he met. Looking back on it, it was horrible how us guys who barely knew each other, would engage in sexual activity with one another at one time. Needless to say, I no longer associate with that man or the group...

I have a few regrets. I regret thinking that having sex with someone meant that someone truly cared for me, I regret using online dating sites in an attempt to find love and companionship, and I regret that I didn't have the common sense to know that I was being used. I do not, however, coming out and living my truth and I don't regret holding off on sexual activity for a while. I realize that having Asperger's Syndrome makes it difficult for me to navigate through romantic or sexual situations. With that being said, I am focusing on the betterment of ME! Just because I am gay, does not mean that I am a piece of meat or a boy toy. 

Gay Ole Times: The Chocolate Aspie's Adventures Of Romance And His Regrets, Part One

DISCLAIMER: For those individuals who are offended by same gender love or sexual situations, please discontinue reading now.

When I came out as gay to my mother on Sunday, July 21, 2010, I had no real idea of what being a same gender loving man really meant. I didn't have a role model to look up to, nor did I have an example of how to successfully navigate in "the gay life." Mom, although bisexual for nearly thirteen years of my life, was in the fourth year of marriage to her second husband at the time of me coming out to her. For the first time in my life, I was truly on my own. My narrow, barely 18-year-old mind could only think about the sense of relief I felt admitting my secret truth. The many lessons I would learn as a gay man would come strictly through experience, not common sense. Some of those lessons would be extremely tough ones to learn.

Even though I was in college, I never experienced romance or even puppy love. I never knew what it was to be someone's boyfriend. No one in high school really wanted me, and so I stayed in my own isolated shell. I was bound and determined to have a relationship in my college life, but I just didn't know how to make that happen. Months after I came out, I was introduced to a gay dating site called Adam4Adam (A4A). The person that told me about it said it was a great site to meet other same gender loving men like myself. I almost immediately created a profile and put myself out there. In March of 2011, while Mom was recuperating at Emory University Hospital in Atlanta after a kidney transplant, I would begin internet chatting with the man who would take my virginity. He was 24 years my senior and we really had no business being involved with each other. He should have respectfully rejected me, but little did I know, he was a "chicken hawk" (According to the Urban Dictionary, a "chicken hawk" is a gay term for an older man that constantly chases after younger men). A couple of weeks after we started communicating online, I was in his bedroom, becoming his conquest. For the next three months, we hooked up on and off at his apartment, WITHOUT protection. In my mind, I felt like we were building something special... I was totally wrong. He discontinued talking to me by the tail end of summer. I was crushed because I realized that he used me just for sex. It wouldn't be the first time I was used in that manner...

By November of that same year (after hooking up with a random guy a month prior - I just wanted to recapture the feeling I had with my first time), I was on Adam4Adam, chatting with a man about 21 years my senior from Metter, Georgia, a smaller city near Savannah. We instantly created a connection and we were smitten by one another. The following month, he came to Atlanta and the moment we saw each other, we decided to be in a relationship. There were so many problems with this. For starters, how do two people intelligently decide to be in a monogamous relationship after talking online for barely a month and meeting up just ONCE? Then, what would a man in his forties want with a 19-year-old besides sexual thrills? Next, who brings his/her two friends to tag along with him/her while meeting up with a person whom you fell in love with for the first time? When I went down to Metter to visit my "boyfriend," I went with no accompaniment. There were so many red flags in that situation, but I couldn't see them at the time. In March of the following year, he dropped a bombshell on me. He claimed that he was unsure about his sexuality. I had no choice but to end the "relationship." Once again, I was extremely disappointed and discouraged about love and romance...

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #7

Question #7:

To my fellow Aspies, what are some of your repetitive behaviors/patterns?

The Chocolate Aspie's Question Of The Day #6

Question #6:

How do you feel about the Vatican's first-ever conference on autism?